I’ve had so many interesting conversations in the past couple of days that I really thought I’d have something to say. Except, I’ve sort of lost the will to dissect things here (for now).
I suppose I might as well make a list of all the books I want to read and cross them off one by one. Lists do give one a sense of accomplishment, which is something I’m sadly lacking in, in any case!
Ta!
I’ve read 6 books in the last two weeks.
1. i’ll take you there – Joyce Carol Oates
2. The Enchantress of Florence – Salman Rushdie
3. On Chesil Beach – Ian McEwan
4. Vanity Fair – W.M Thackeray
5. Q & A – Vikas Swarup
6. The House of Blue Mangoes – David Davidar
I’ve watched 9 movies:
1. Changeling
2 Slumdog Millionaire
3. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
4. Feels Like Heaven
5. Kate and Leopold
6. Partition
7. License to Wed
8. Australia
9. Twilight
I’ve written in my diary, gone to play rehearsals, eaten out, gone to Speed and Zara’s, made unfulfilled plans to go shopping and dreamt strange dreams.
I’ve felt contented, unhappy, lazy, sleepy, bored, miserable, afraid, hollow, depressed, thoughtful, apathetic, outraged, indignant, vindicated, bitchy, self-indulgent, jealous and thankful.
I don’t know what this is called. I don’t know if I like how this year’s going so far. I don’t know if I’m as intelligent as I once thought I was, or as unique, focused, well-adjusted or ambitious.
The word I’m looking for, I think, is upheaval. So far, 2009 has been all about violent, unstoppable change. Mostly of the destructive kind that changes you forever.
And as always, I’m reacting to change I can’t control by being as static as I possibly can.
It’s been raining like crazy over the last couple of days.
Everything’s thrown into a series of question marks and yet again, I don’t know what I want.
I wish I could stop feeling like it’s all going to fall apart at any second. But going with the flow is harder than it seems.
What does it matter? I feel a little ridiculous for being so afraid, because people come and go, right?
It’s all transitory; everyone changes, the things we want are never the same even two days apart. You can wake up one morning feeling like your entire life and all your ideals are empty.
Constancy or change? It’s not like we have a choice, either way.
Life deals you the cards, it all depends on how you play them… but when you don’t know how to play, what can you do but stare at the cards as your turn passes you by?
Level 1
(x) Smoked A Cigarette
() Smoked A Cigar
() Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol
SO FAR: 2
Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
() dumped someone
() Shoplifted
() Been Fired
() Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 3
Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
() Slept With A Co-worker
(x)Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 6
Level 5
(x)Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
(x)Been To Paris
() Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
(x) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 10
Level 6
() Eaten Sushi YUCK
() Been Snowboarding
() Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
() Been In A Mosh Pit
SO FAR:10
Level 7
() Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
() Made A Snow Angel / man
SO FAR: 13
Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
() Gone mudding (offroading)
(x) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 17
Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
() Gone Sledging
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
SO FAR: 21
Level 10
(x) Watched The Sunset
(X) Felt A Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 23
Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
() Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 26
Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
() Been Suspended From School
() Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident
SO FAR: 28
Level 13
()Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
() Danced in the moonlight
SO FAR: 29
Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
() Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
SO FAR: 33
Level 15
(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
SO FAR: 38
Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(x)Paid For A Meal With Only Coins
SO FAR: 43
Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn’t
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
() Kissed In The Rain
SO FAR: 46
Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x)Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(X) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere
SO FAR: 50
Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
(x) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
() Have Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 53
Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
() Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed “Penis” or “Vagina”
() Swam With Dolphins..
SO FAR: 55
Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
() Kissed A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex’s Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top
SO FAR: 58
Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(X) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 62
Level 24
() Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(X) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
SO FAR: 65
Level 25
(x) Believed In Ghosts
() Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Gone Streaking
() Visited Jail
SO FAR: 66
Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger
() Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
SO FAR: 71
Level 27
( ) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
() Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
() Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
SO FAR: 73
Level 28
() Mooned/Flashed Someone
() Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone’s Name
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
() Gone Skinny Dipping
() Been Kicked Out Of Your House
() Tried to hurt yourself
SO FAR: 76
Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
() Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
() Had A Cavity
() Black-Mailed Someone
(x) Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 78
Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone
SO FAR : 82
Level 32
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
() Had sex in the rain
() Flattened someones tires
() Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on
()Got Five dollars or less worth of grass
82
I like fine distinctions. I drive myself mad thinking about little things that probably mean nothing to other people.
Which is why, when someone recently mentioned the fine distinction between being in love with someone and loving someone, the idea poked its way through to that part of my mind where all such potentially problematic discussions are consigned, for further speculation.
I don’t know why it should bother me so much, but I can’t figure out if they’re both the same, or different feelings. Do they mean different levels of involvement, different methods of love, different meanings of the same thing? Or are we just thinking too much about one stupid, controlling, mad emotion that seems to take you away from everything else?
Sunday evening, and this mood of contemplation had to come upon me at some point. I’ve been far too thoughtlessly, blissfully happy for too long.
There are so many things I don’t know about you, so many sides of you I probably haven’t seen – I know, because there are so many parts of me you haven’t seen.
But I don’t know if that even matters.
I suppose, one thing for me to remember would be that I fall heedlessly into things when I want to. I don’t think, I just feel. And when I’m suddenly brought down to earth by something someone happens to say, I stop, I think, I go on an analytical overload and just undermine every beautiful, thoughtless emotion that went before.
I want to stop, make me stop.
Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Oh, do u see what I see?“Stop and Stare” – One Republic
Mr Knightley
Judith Taverner
