there she goes again

Some days (or nights) you just really want someone.

You can pretend it doesn’t matter. You can tell yourself that it’s too ‘complicated’, that you don’t really care, that you don’t have the time or the energy to care about anyone but yourself; you can pat yourself on the back and say, wow, look at me, I’m doing it all alone and I’m happy.

And most days, it works. You believe you’re better than all those other people because you’re self-reliant.

But the truth is, you’re not.

—
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
carry each other
carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
See we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t keep holding on
To what you got
When all you’ve got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters and Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other

[One - U2]

say goodnight and go?

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I’m left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why’d you have to be so cute
It’s impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It’s bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

—

Poppy music makes me happy. It makes me feel like I’m part of one big, beautiful, technicolour, happy world. Well, what can I say? I’m a sucker for cliches. I like believing that what I feel is what hundreds, thousands, millions of others have felt, are feeling and will feel because that makes me feel a tiny bit less lonely. Being without my laptop, without the internet and my constant connection to other people almost drove me crazy last week but made me realise how much I rely on this kind of ‘validation’ every single day.

I spent two weeks in this beautiful new city sitting in my room communicating with people halfway across the world. Which is utterly ridiculous, I know.

Perhaps it’s time I learnt to do things on my own.

—

I miss home so much that I dare not think about it. I miss my bed, my room, my quilt, the smell of my books, my mother, my father, my brother, the incessant noise of the tv, our dog, the noise of the street, the smell of exhaust, the unfathomably familiar sights of the trees, the mud, the sky, the sun, the heat, the cars, the people. I never realised how much I could miss those things that I took for granted everyday. I miss being able to climb one flight of stairs to drink tea with my beautiful grandmother or argue with my opinionated grandfather. I miss being able to fight over the tv with my father or brother. And the thought of all that I’m missing nearly makes me want to go home, and immerse myself in the familiar, enveloping picture of family, home, life.

But I don’t dare think about any of that, because it might, just might be too much.

it’s been a while

What an entertaining week and a half.

I am now the proud owner of multiple pretty coats and jackets and woollen things, along with 4 new pairs of shoes (that brings the horde upto 10!) and a fluffy pink bathrobe.

The train to Bangalore was amazingly shiny and clean. If it wasn’t for the view of the villages and fields outside, I’d probably have forgotten that I was still in the country.

Last night was crazy. I haven’t been that drunk and not thrown up or passed out in a while. Ladies’ Night, yay!

This is most uninspiring post, but my confused mental state at the moment along with the vestiges of a hangover don’t allow for much entertaining or intellectual writing.

But seriously, as a sidenote, I must rail against the vagaries of Fate. Or Destiny or the Almighty or whatever capricious Force it is that governs our puny lives. Does it really amuse you to throw me into awkward situations and then watch me fumble my way through them? Also, while I’m railing, I might as well ask why everything that happens always has fine-print on a sheet of paper tucked away somewhere, just where I can’t get it until it’s too late. Can’t there just be Good things and Bad things and none of this confusing Grey Area nonsense?

Bah!

juliet says, hey it’s romeo.

Dream-like, the past floated by.

Then it grew stronger; nebulous forms with ragged edges grew sharp, from blurry to oppressively opaque. Cold, from within and without, flooded the room.

Voices, as if from a far distance echo relentlessly, pleading, coaxing, importuning you to listen, to comprehend and so you do, attempting to fathom meanings that are false.

Sleep is eaten away. The hollowness you buried fills you up once more. You must escape, but you cannot: you are transfixed, despite yourself. You scream, you weep, you fall but still, you listen.

Memories turn treacherous. They hurl themselves against your defences, shattering, tearing, ripping you apart.

Your old, forgotten friends, self-pity, doubt and regret return to your side, forgiving your past neglect.

But now, your voice returns. “No!”, you scream, “Stop!”.

The phantoms pause in their onslaught. “Enough”, you say, firmly.

Slowly, the nightmare withers. Your memories curl up. You blink, and you find yourself alone once more.

Softly, enveloped in sleep, you dream.

a strange sort of terror

I’ve spent a considerable part of my evening on the University of Edinburgh website and I feel strangely torn between excitement and a great terror – three years spent in a cocoon of friendshomecollegeeatingdrunkennessaiesec have spoilt me and made me quite afraid of not being in this comfort zone of mine.

I don’t quite know what to expect, but that’s a good thing! and a bad thing. Oh I don’t know what I’m saying, just that I still have three months to go and it’s going to be an agonizingly long time for this feeling to build up and leave me quite tongue-tied once I’m actually there.

What I will do without my regular sources of sanity around me all the time (or within easy reach at any rate) is a question I don’t really want to think about right now.