i’ve been looking too hard, i’ve been waiting too long

[Foreigner - Waiting for a Girl like You]

I’m stressed out. Yes, I didn’t believe I could ever say those words, but I really am. Is all of life this way? People build up expectations of what you are, what you ought to be, and you’re stuck trying to live up to them. What about what you want?

I’m applying for scholarships, writing out PhD thesis proposals, thinking about all the money I need to gain yet another academic degree and I’m losing sight of why I’m doing it all.

Is it what I want? I don’t know.

How do you determine what you really want to do?

And what if what you really want to do is to be by yourself, on a houseboat, lying crumpled in a hammock in the shade of an awning, gently swaying in a balmy summer breeze and losing yourself in the words of somebody else?

That’s what I want to be. But that’s not a legitimate dream to have in this world.

The words ‘potential’, ‘drive’, ‘ambition’, ‘rank’, ‘status’ and a million other equivalents define us. We’re doomed to carry the expectations of previous generations on our backs, simply by virtue of enjoying more ‘freedom’ than they did. Are we free? Are we ever able to choose lives we want to live? Perhaps. But every choice brings with it a lengthy list of rules, conditions, goals, needs. I can’t deal with it. I simply can’t.

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2 responses to “i’ve been looking too hard, i’ve been waiting too long

  • Vetti

    This too shall pass Ash.
    And I’ve always thought that it’s Because of this increased ‘freedom’ that we face more problems and battle more battles than the previous generation. But that’s all relative, i guess and it probably is a bad excuse to keep doing what we’re doing.
    And as for “I can’t deal with it, I simply can’t”. Please do trust me when I say, the feeling’s mutual.

  • Ashwitha

    That’s an interesting thought – that the more freedom you’re able to take for granted, the more that freedom demands a price from you.

    Thanks for the empathy!

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