absence

…

Dull sublunary lovers’ love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, ’cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

…

-”Valediction: Forbidding Mourning” – John Donne

————————————————————————

Empty days with fleeting moments of pure contentment in the company we keep. I didn’t think it would matter so much, but it does.

Muffled voices, hurried declarations, that funny, half-wistful pang that stays long after your voice is gone.

It’s a taste of what it could be like.

Everything becomes simpler; more intense and less real when you have to say everything you want to say in less than ten minutes.

“I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could
Can’t take my mind off you”

- “The Fear You Won’t Fall” (Joshua Radin)

you make me smile, please stay for a while now

It’s very difficult to write about happiness, I’ve realised.

Or maybe I’ve just perfected the art of venting, whining and bemoaning my fate.

Hopefully, not many people are reading this because I’m sure if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times: I’m so wonderfully, frighteningly ecstatically happy.

My only fear is losing it all.

I know by now that if it does end, if it does fade away… It would take me a long, long time to recover.

—

Throw yourself in,  let go of the walls you’ve been clutching for so long and walk to the middle of the pool where the exhilarating freedom of unconstrained space around you is tempered by that numbing fear that limits you to yourself.

Your feet touch the bottom, tipsy toes on watery stone slipping and sliding along.  You’ve been told it’s safer to hold yourself close, to tread known paths as you grab steel railings of familiar, walled-in territory. The water laps all around you, dissolving into your skin as it wraps its warm arms around you, lulling you into numbness.

tearing away from your fear, and diving right into the unknown depths is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do

but it’s the one thing you would have done for yourself and no one else.

the world is spinning

madness.

unforgivable moments of abandon.

melodrama and obsession.

crazy love.

too much alcohol, too little patience

bruised egos and haunted pasts

the world is spinning out of control and everything’s gone topsy turvy.

all i have is you.

my song is love

I’ve been pondering lately.

I suppose it’s only inevitable that when you build something up in your head – to the extent that it becomes a sort of distant dream that you can only aspire to and never reach – the actual reaching brings you down to earth.

I don’t mean that in a hopes-being-deflated sort of way, but rather that… reality is shown up against your imaginings and you suddenly realise that it isn’t so bad after all.

Surreal is a good word to describe my reality at the moment. I’ve been in a daze of mechanical responses, constructed expectations and most of all, flitting between missing the ideal and reveling in what’s right in front of me.

On a lighter note – paycheck tomorrow! After days of delays and mountains of paper-work and wrongful tax exemptions, my lovely precious four thousand rupees will [effectively] be in my hands.

I can’t decide whether to spend or save though – I’ve received conflicting opinions on this point. Hmm.

Ah well, retail therapy. Can’t resist.

moons and junes and ferris wheels

I’ve spent this week in a daze.

I’ve been pushing limits, exploring boundaries and just… letting go.

And thank you, thank you to everyone who’s been party to my ranting, lamenting, whining, pining, moaning and general irritating-ness over the last however many years.

You’re vindicated.

The best part?

Those utterly random moments when the things I’ve taken for granted for years are suddenly… not there. It’s  an interesting feeling.